This was my day

On paper, I got what I was looking for:

• Job for a good company in the field I was pursuing
• Moved to the city in a decent place
• Planning for a trip to visit my friend overseas

But I can’t deny that I’m feeling slightly miserable lately. My grandfather just passed away, and I don’t think that has anything to do with it, but I suppose it could be souring my mood on everything subconsciously.

I’m just questioning things lately. Is this what I really want? I miss being able to drive places without the hassle. I wish I could be living with different people, people that I could maybe become friends with. I’m not sure if this career is actually what I want in the long-run; I feel like an aggregator instead of a creator or influencer.

I miss my friends. I miss my family. I miss my boyfriend. And even my fucking cat.

I don’t want to move backward, but I wish I could start fresh.

I guess I just wish things could be perfect right away, and that is never going to happen. But it will eventually, and in the meantime I have to remember that things are actually pretty good, and I’m just being a whiny bitch.

…of the creative types.

I have lived a careful life and now I wish I knew how to change that, but I don’t think I can.

“It’s too late,” the predictable, careful Me says.

I see people with lives I want to live that I would never dare come close to.

Worst. Timing. Ever.

The guy I was stupidly infatuated and hooking up with for the past year finally wants to be with me.

But a couple of weeks ago I started dating someone new. And he’s incredibly nice and sweet and a good friend. 

I can’t do this. I can’t figure it out. I know that I should go with the nice guy who I actually get along with who has always appreciated me and I might actually have a future with.

But I feel like I’ve been waiting for the day that the other guy would come around, and I thought it would solve all my problems. But instead it’s creating more. He’s also a nice guy underneath it all and I feel like I’ve grown a lot with him over the past year, and we know each other on a different level.

I saw this coming. I tried to ignore it and I hoped I was reading into things, imagining it. But here it is. And I’ve been sobbing in front of my computer and I don’t know what to do or who to talk to. I wish I could see into the future to know what would happen with each choice I could make right now.

But right now I know the best choice for me is some fucking sleep. 

I can’t even make out with a nice guy without over-thinking everything. Brain: do the right thing!

1. You’re not allowed to call strangers pet names like “sweetie” and “honey” unless you’re a cute old lady or an incredibly attractive member of the opposite sex.

2. You’re not allowed to wink at anyone unless you’re an incredibly attractive member of the opposite sex. 

**These standards are to be based on the perceptions of the person receiving your come-ons, so to be safe, just don’t do it until you actually know the person. Or just don’t do it ever.

I’m graduating. From college. 

Now I just need my career.

I know logically how I should feel about things, but it just doesn’t work out that way. Goddamnit. 

Oh god, whatever you do, DO NOT look at Hillary Busis’ Tumblr. She’s an intern for Entertainment Weekly, running its Tumblr, and her about page and LinkedIn make me want to throw up. How many internships can a person get?! Jesus H. 

To make myself feel better I will assume the following:

• She didn’t have to work to support herself through school
• Her ivy league education gave her more opportunities than my public college
• Living in a metropolitan area simply means there are more internships. And good ones.  

Nope, that didn’t help.

Everyone has heard: Osama bin Laden is dead. 

Very good, very exciting. But for some reason I feel less than the pure excitement and energy that everyone else seems to be getting from it. 

I understand that this provides a sense of closure to those who lost loved ones due to terrorism, and for that this is wonderful. 

However, I have the feeling that some people are over celebrating. He was a figurehead of terrorism, undoubtedly, but what results will actually come from his death besides closure? And, I must say, that sense of closure could be somewhat false since the death of one man does not equal the end of terrorism or war. 

I am glad the world is rid of such a terrible person, but my enthusiasm will wait until I see what lies ahead.

After seeing the one I like. The streets are empty and that album is playing on repeat. I want more nights like that.